Exams are a weekend away, I haven't even start to study, guess I'm giving up. I've tried but still, I just can't give a shit to the projects and exams. Think I'm just wrapping up in my own world slowly. Surprisingly I stayed calm this time, I don't know if it's for good, but a kind of fear's surrounding me. This time, I've learned the hardest way to grow up and also to know that I could only trust myself not anyone else. I'm scared of promises cause they are made to be broken. I think it's good that partying at nights to keep myself occupied and to avoid crying the eyes out in the shower. So it starts tomorrow night.

I had Carrie Bradshaw's story, but extremely different endings. Because hers is a drama but mine is more drama than a drama.

Yeat your heart out
1:45 AM

-
Still the boy with the hot jeans is in love.
Not with me, this time.
But with the girl who's eating a donut on the swing.

Yeat your heart out
2:44 AM

Friday, woke up late but I still dragged myself to Law class in the morning. Still, I don't understand a shit of it. Was sitting with Zachary, he was sweet because he drew a sunflower for me and ask me to cheer up. It's really a 'Sun'-Flower. Ha. I've taken a picture of it, but my phone's abit down so couldn't upload it. Anyways, thanks Zac. (:

Then got home and bathed. Felt like everything was torturing me mentally and physically, so I went to bed and slept till late evening. Felt good cause for long I could finally sleep so tight. Photos were for last night, taken by JR's brand new camera. I think he's in love with photography now. Well, most of the pictures couldn't see my full face, it was his camera's problem alrights. So let's go polaroid love.

Didn't get to see Amanda yesterday, talked on the phone for a few times. I know she wasn't happy and so did I. Somehow for the same reason, we're getting so sick of it. Sick of the tears, don't wanna think about it don't wanna talk about it. Though I try to hide it, but it's clear. I'd still think of this familiar face everywhere I'd go. With the memories and doubts.

Kinda weird of feeling to be drunk in peacefulness, simply because you let it show of everything. Said I don't wanna see the face but deep inside I'm still thinking of it everyday. I'd miss the sound of voice and every little thing that's related. Had an urge to make a phone call to say that I miss you, but reality just smacks right in front of me. I'm the only one who still stuck here while the truth is it has moved on. Just that the unwillingness to let go in me.

Talking to friends and fooled myself that I am fine, but they would just tell me 'you don't pretend well, your eyes show that you still care and you still love...' This ain't right, I wish I could just pretend well, even if for only one weekend. It has no way to unravel the latest mistake. Having a lot of 'If...' and 'I wish...' thinkings. But I know it's impossible for me to turn back time, even I know if there's a way I'd to. I guess it showed clear, the door has already closed to me. All I can do is just to let the tears rolling down the cheeks. Just like everytime when I got to see the face. I'm avoiding, it is not that I don't wish to see, I know it's worse cause the tears straight away well up in my eyes and uncontrollable they just roll down with this heart ache and pang.

Why would we trying so hard but to make it off this way?

Sometimes, I couldn't recognise myself now, and this kind of life that I'm having, my days aren't what I wanted. I'm not used to it but I'm pretending that I am enoying it. What am I now, I've got no idea. I'm trying the hardest way to have fun, it seems that I am happy, but deep inside it just works the another way. I'm sick of crying but it's beyond my control. I'd wish to believe that at least I used to be the one and that I wasn't just for a game. Still, I'm finding it hard to get on life without certain things. I'd think no matter what it takes, if I could, I will still.

Well, today woke up in the afternoon and I had this dream and it was beautiful, but when you wake up, it was just a dream. I don't feel good and though I could still reach town on time for the Free Hugs but I chose not to go. It's really hard for me to put up a fake smile on my face today. Projects due on monday but I've got no idea where to start.

This end is really, just the beginning.

Yeat your heart out
7:23 PM

Yeat your heart out
8:28 PM

I'd say yesterday was great. Eventful, peaceful and joyful. Most importantly, it was love to me. Was really busy though cause it was Jeev's 21st birthday. Skipped lectures, the stupid feedback session and all that. But I'm glad that everything went on smoothly. We took 100 over pictures, but I could only upload a few alrights. And so, this is so gonna be a longgg entry. (:

Well, Kiang, Den and I didn't go for the feedback session cause we went to Eng school to look for Wu Ye and KC for a short while, and we happened to meet Venga and this guy which I've got no idea what's his name. Anyways, after they left, Kiang, Den and I stayed at the place, because it was way too comfortable and so we had some heart to heart talks. And then, I saw Matt, he was just so surprised to see me there. And he was like, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING HEREEEE??' Ha.

Met lovergirl Amanda for a short while while waiting for Lionel and Ah Ma's lesson end and also Wu Ye and KC to finish their SIP. We were like a little bit mad cause we're so in loved with the balloons and yeh, Linn was there too. After Lionel they all came lovergirl went back to do her project and we headed to meet Jeev. I have to say I love my lovergirl Amanda to bits. :D

We were almost forgot about JR so when we reached I called him, and he was just bloody funny on the phone I swear. Like I was talking to some old age people. What a doggie. Lol. And we had dinner and ice cream after that.

I have no idea this picture taken by who, anyways, Kiang's friend I suppose, just happened to see her at E hub.

After bowling session, everyone was like in super good mood, especially JR I think. Anyways, I didn't play as usual. And yah, but everyone was way so excited till start camwhoring while they didn't drink much though.

I don't know why but this picture is my favourite. Ha. It's cute, I know you do think the same too. Haha.

Okay, I wanna explain for this. This picture is so not because we love to do the signs okay. We found it's a joke for people to do so. Anyways, Lionel suggested to do this, because he always see those bengs and lians doing that and put the pictures on Fster. And so we want to know how does it feel to be this typical. Get it? This is our very first try and it's like oh so gayyy. HAHAHAHAHA.

The pictures below were taken by JR, cause out of a sudden, he got so hyper and so in loved with my camera and our faces. And so because he took too many pictures till the battery exhausted. I mean, indeed, he is so weird. HA.

We headed to the next place for camwhoring, and this is our beloved Xiao Huang, ha. And with this duper cute disney princess umbrella, ella ella a a.

I swear Lionel is super duper cute for camwhoring, I mean it was like everyone wanted to camwhore with him. And I just couldn't stop laughing to see his poses. Like, say say say, oh it was so gay gay gay. HAHA. And yah, they weren't drunk okay, but I've got no idea why they were just so high. (:

I love this ella ella a a so much, and how I wish I'd be one of the princesses. But I do know deep down that my life ain't a fairytale and so I'll never be a princess like this.

Then, the real camwhoring started, and I'd say Wu Ye can be a good photographer. Ha. Well, most of the photos are with him. But mostly, below were taken by me can. (: As what I've said, I can't upload all, cause they're way too many many.

Ohhh holymama, this is very important! I'd say it was really wonderful night, cos you know Manchester United won Champions League. Like woahhh! How great! :D Jeev was wearing the Man U tee today. HAHAHA :D.

Okay. talked to lovergirl Amanda when I got home last night. I was feeling really bad that I've made her sad. And yea, after reading her entry tears well up in the eyes. This is really the worst, cause to me, they just mean hell loads to me. They're the reason how I've made it till today. They're the reason for me to sit and pretend. I'm feeling like shit seriously, I don't know but I'm just too tired. Deep inside I want to leave but whenever I think of them I just don't know what is right. Sometimes I'd wonder, why would my life so hard. I just want to be normal, like everyone else.

I love you, Amanda! Truly. & I know today ain't a good day, you know I will always be here for you just like you're always being there for me.

And Yeeling, Marco and James. I felt so loved to recieve messages from you people yesterday, which was totally unexpected. So for the awesome people who love me, I promise you all I'd think twice before I make the finial decision alrights. (:

Today wasn't good, cause emotionally I'm trying so hard to be fine but I just can't help for the memories playing at the background. This time, certain things are really impossible to remove from the heart. And this two weeks my attendance is really bad enough, I'm totally not in a mood to school. So I can't bother much. And I haven't even start to do any projects. Everything's just like fucked up.

Alrights. Terrible. Bye.

Yeat your heart out
8:23 PM

After known certain truth, today was seriously a heartbreak. To use this word to describe how I felt and it is 'sad'. Be way honest, I am really sad. I can just cry you a river any time. But this is so gonna be the very last time I cry in TP, and because of the boys, they gave me the power to sit and pretend.

Reality is indeed cruel, I've got no choice but to face it, I think sooner or later I will get to use of my korean drama type of life. It doesn't feel nice to know for what I've believed in turned out to be all lies. Seriously, I'm not a good fighter, cause I can be destroyed easily. And so don't come and take me cause I ain't for playing. And it is the fact that my heart will never heal right, cause there's always people who's pulling out the sutures.

This year's the most tough year for me, this just the beginning but yah, I never hope the rest of the year would turn out good. For everything that supposed to be happiness to me, they never have happy endings and yah, everything's gone. How nice, I really don't understand why people always like to bring me hurt and pain, it doesn't feel nice okay. Totally. Anyways, I started to hate school, everyday I have to drag myself to that place and yeh, the people are getting colder here. Be very honest, I hate to be in IT school and I really don't like to face the people there anymore. So this is the first time that I'm telling everyone this, if everything goes on smoothly, this will be the last month that I would appear in TP. Yes, and only if everything goes on smoothly, I'm finally leaving this island in about 2 months time.

Ever since I've been posted to TP, it has given me lots of unhappiness and yeah. Except for the boys and a few girlfriends, I've gain nothing else. They're the reason for me to stay, but I really can no longer take it to be in that school and face the people there. And so, I've decided to leave. And I really pray hard that I CAN leave this time. So yah, I know you guys will read this, cause it's hard for me to find a way to tell you all. Especially when Lionel told this 'you come to school for study not for anything else.' It's true, and I know you guys always want the best for me, but yah, despite that I'm taking pills to sleep everyday, if I continue like this I'm just so pretty damn close to depression. So I need a break and I have to leave though I know it doesn't help to not think of certain things, but yah. I just want to be far away cause this is the most I can take and I'd rather to keep those beautiful memories than to let the reality to destroy them all.

Alrights, on the brighter side today, it was hard but I was still putting up a smile all the way, cause I love my boy friends. Cause they're the ones who would really be there for me and who will never break the trust and who will never walk out of my life no matter what. I'm glad that they're my very best in TP. (:

Going to do something's really important and yah, tomorrow we're so gonna have lots of fun! And I'm so looking forward to our clubbing day on friday. Cause this might be the first and also the last clubbing outing for us before I leave. I'm so gonna treasure the time that I'll spend with the boys and my lovergirl Amanda. Oh and I think Den's right, when there's no expectation, there'd be no disappointment. Hopefully Den will be in school tomorrow. Ha. Alrights, nights sexy.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT!
I LOVE SANJEEV KUMAR A MILLON! HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY MY ONE AND ONLY BLACKIE BFF! :D

Yeat your heart out
1:10 AM

Exams are a weekend away, I haven't even start to study, guess I'm giving up. I've tried but still, I just can't give a shit to the projects and exams. Think I'm just wrapping up in my own world slowly. Surprisingly I stayed calm this time, I don't know if it's for good, but a kind of fear's surrounding me. This time, I've learned the hardest way to grow up and also to know that I could only trust myself not anyone else. I'm scared of promises cause they are made to be broken. I think it's good that partying at nights to keep myself occupied and to avoid crying the eyes out in the shower. So it starts tomorrow night.

I had Carrie Bradshaw's story, but extremely different endings. Because hers is a drama but mine is more drama than a drama.

Yand i'll whisper to you my love
1:45 AM

-
Still the boy with the hot jeans is in love.
Not with me, this time.
But with the girl who's eating a donut on the swing.

Yand i'll whisper to you my love
2:44 AM

Friday, woke up late but I still dragged myself to Law class in the morning. Still, I don't understand a shit of it. Was sitting with Zachary, he was sweet because he drew a sunflower for me and ask me to cheer up. It's really a 'Sun'-Flower. Ha. I've taken a picture of it, but my phone's abit down so couldn't upload it. Anyways, thanks Zac. (:

Then got home and bathed. Felt like everything was torturing me mentally and physically, so I went to bed and slept till late evening. Felt good cause for long I could finally sleep so tight. Photos were for last night, taken by JR's brand new camera. I think he's in love with photography now. Well, most of the pictures couldn't see my full face, it was his camera's problem alrights. So let's go polaroid love.

Didn't get to see Amanda yesterday, talked on the phone for a few times. I know she wasn't happy and so did I. Somehow for the same reason, we're getting so sick of it. Sick of the tears, don't wanna think about it don't wanna talk about it. Though I try to hide it, but it's clear. I'd still think of this familiar face everywhere I'd go. With the memories and doubts.

Kinda weird of feeling to be drunk in peacefulness, simply because you let it show of everything. Said I don't wanna see the face but deep inside I'm still thinking of it everyday. I'd miss the sound of voice and every little thing that's related. Had an urge to make a phone call to say that I miss you, but reality just smacks right in front of me. I'm the only one who still stuck here while the truth is it has moved on. Just that the unwillingness to let go in me.

Talking to friends and fooled myself that I am fine, but they would just tell me 'you don't pretend well, your eyes show that you still care and you still love...' This ain't right, I wish I could just pretend well, even if for only one weekend. It has no way to unravel the latest mistake. Having a lot of 'If...' and 'I wish...' thinkings. But I know it's impossible for me to turn back time, even I know if there's a way I'd to. I guess it showed clear, the door has already closed to me. All I can do is just to let the tears rolling down the cheeks. Just like everytime when I got to see the face. I'm avoiding, it is not that I don't wish to see, I know it's worse cause the tears straight away well up in my eyes and uncontrollable they just roll down with this heart ache and pang.

Why would we trying so hard but to make it off this way?

Sometimes, I couldn't recognise myself now, and this kind of life that I'm having, my days aren't what I wanted. I'm not used to it but I'm pretending that I am enoying it. What am I now, I've got no idea. I'm trying the hardest way to have fun, it seems that I am happy, but deep inside it just works the another way. I'm sick of crying but it's beyond my control. I'd wish to believe that at least I used to be the one and that I wasn't just for a game. Still, I'm finding it hard to get on life without certain things. I'd think no matter what it takes, if I could, I will still.

Well, today woke up in the afternoon and I had this dream and it was beautiful, but when you wake up, it was just a dream. I don't feel good and though I could still reach town on time for the Free Hugs but I chose not to go. It's really hard for me to put up a fake smile on my face today. Projects due on monday but I've got no idea where to start.

This end is really, just the beginning.

Yand i'll whisper to you my love
7:23 PM

Yand i'll whisper to you my love
8:28 PM

I'd say yesterday was great. Eventful, peaceful and joyful. Most importantly, it was love to me. Was really busy though cause it was Jeev's 21st birthday. Skipped lectures, the stupid feedback session and all that. But I'm glad that everything went on smoothly. We took 100 over pictures, but I could only upload a few alrights. And so, this is so gonna be a longgg entry. (:

Well, Kiang, Den and I didn't go for the feedback session cause we went to Eng school to look for Wu Ye and KC for a short while, and we happened to meet Venga and this guy which I've got no idea what's his name. Anyways, after they left, Kiang, Den and I stayed at the place, because it was way too comfortable and so we had some heart to heart talks. And then, I saw Matt, he was just so surprised to see me there. And he was like, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING HEREEEE??' Ha.

Met lovergirl Amanda for a short while while waiting for Lionel and Ah Ma's lesson end and also Wu Ye and KC to finish their SIP. We were like a little bit mad cause we're so in loved with the balloons and yeh, Linn was there too. After Lionel they all came lovergirl went back to do her project and we headed to meet Jeev. I have to say I love my lovergirl Amanda to bits. :D

We were almost forgot about JR so when we reached I called him, and he was just bloody funny on the phone I swear. Like I was talking to some old age people. What a doggie. Lol. And we had dinner and ice cream after that.

I have no idea this picture taken by who, anyways, Kiang's friend I suppose, just happened to see her at E hub.

After bowling session, everyone was like in super good mood, especially JR I think. Anyways, I didn't play as usual. And yah, but everyone was way so excited till start camwhoring while they didn't drink much though.

I don't know why but this picture is my favourite. Ha. It's cute, I know you do think the same too. Haha.

Okay, I wanna explain for this. This picture is so not because we love to do the signs okay. We found it's a joke for people to do so. Anyways, Lionel suggested to do this, because he always see those bengs and lians doing that and put the pictures on Fster. And so we want to know how does it feel to be this typical. Get it? This is our very first try and it's like oh so gayyy. HAHAHAHAHA.

The pictures below were taken by JR, cause out of a sudden, he got so hyper and so in loved with my camera and our faces. And so because he took too many pictures till the battery exhausted. I mean, indeed, he is so weird. HA.

We headed to the next place for camwhoring, and this is our beloved Xiao Huang, ha. And with this duper cute disney princess umbrella, ella ella a a.

I swear Lionel is super duper cute for camwhoring, I mean it was like everyone wanted to camwhore with him. And I just couldn't stop laughing to see his poses. Like, say say say, oh it was so gay gay gay. HAHA. And yah, they weren't drunk okay, but I've got no idea why they were just so high. (:

I love this ella ella a a so much, and how I wish I'd be one of the princesses. But I do know deep down that my life ain't a fairytale and so I'll never be a princess like this.

Then, the real camwhoring started, and I'd say Wu Ye can be a good photographer. Ha. Well, most of the photos are with him. But mostly, below were taken by me can. (: As what I've said, I can't upload all, cause they're way too many many.

Ohhh holymama, this is very important! I'd say it was really wonderful night, cos you know Manchester United won Champions League. Like woahhh! How great! :D Jeev was wearing the Man U tee today. HAHAHA :D.

Okay. talked to lovergirl Amanda when I got home last night. I was feeling really bad that I've made her sad. And yea, after reading her entry tears well up in the eyes. This is really the worst, cause to me, they just mean hell loads to me. They're the reason how I've made it till today. They're the reason for me to sit and pretend. I'm feeling like shit seriously, I don't know but I'm just too tired. Deep inside I want to leave but whenever I think of them I just don't know what is right. Sometimes I'd wonder, why would my life so hard. I just want to be normal, like everyone else.

I love you, Amanda! Truly. & I know today ain't a good day, you know I will always be here for you just like you're always being there for me.

And Yeeling, Marco and James. I felt so loved to recieve messages from you people yesterday, which was totally unexpected. So for the awesome people who love me, I promise you all I'd think twice before I make the finial decision alrights. (:

Today wasn't good, cause emotionally I'm trying so hard to be fine but I just can't help for the memories playing at the background. This time, certain things are really impossible to remove from the heart. And this two weeks my attendance is really bad enough, I'm totally not in a mood to school. So I can't bother much. And I haven't even start to do any projects. Everything's just like fucked up.

Alrights. Terrible. Bye.

Yand i'll whisper to you my love
8:23 PM

After known certain truth, today was seriously a heartbreak. To use this word to describe how I felt and it is 'sad'. Be way honest, I am really sad. I can just cry you a river any time. But this is so gonna be the very last time I cry in TP, and because of the boys, they gave me the power to sit and pretend.

Reality is indeed cruel, I've got no choice but to face it, I think sooner or later I will get to use of my korean drama type of life. It doesn't feel nice to know for what I've believed in turned out to be all lies. Seriously, I'm not a good fighter, cause I can be destroyed easily. And so don't come and take me cause I ain't for playing. And it is the fact that my heart will never heal right, cause there's always people who's pulling out the sutures.

This year's the most tough year for me, this just the beginning but yah, I never hope the rest of the year would turn out good. For everything that supposed to be happiness to me, they never have happy endings and yah, everything's gone. How nice, I really don't understand why people always like to bring me hurt and pain, it doesn't feel nice okay. Totally. Anyways, I started to hate school, everyday I have to drag myself to that place and yeh, the people are getting colder here. Be very honest, I hate to be in IT school and I really don't like to face the people there anymore. So this is the first time that I'm telling everyone this, if everything goes on smoothly, this will be the last month that I would appear in TP. Yes, and only if everything goes on smoothly, I'm finally leaving this island in about 2 months time.

Ever since I've been posted to TP, it has given me lots of unhappiness and yeah. Except for the boys and a few girlfriends, I've gain nothing else. They're the reason for me to stay, but I really can no longer take it to be in that school and face the people there. And so, I've decided to leave. And I really pray hard that I CAN leave this time. So yah, I know you guys will read this, cause it's hard for me to find a way to tell you all. Especially when Lionel told this 'you come to school for study not for anything else.' It's true, and I know you guys always want the best for me, but yah, despite that I'm taking pills to sleep everyday, if I continue like this I'm just so pretty damn close to depression. So I need a break and I have to leave though I know it doesn't help to not think of certain things, but yah. I just want to be far away cause this is the most I can take and I'd rather to keep those beautiful memories than to let the reality to destroy them all.

Alrights, on the brighter side today, it was hard but I was still putting up a smile all the way, cause I love my boy friends. Cause they're the ones who would really be there for me and who will never break the trust and who will never walk out of my life no matter what. I'm glad that they're my very best in TP. (:

Going to do something's really important and yah, tomorrow we're so gonna have lots of fun! And I'm so looking forward to our clubbing day on friday. Cause this might be the first and also the last clubbing outing for us before I leave. I'm so gonna treasure the time that I'll spend with the boys and my lovergirl Amanda. Oh and I think Den's right, when there's no expectation, there'd be no disappointment. Hopefully Den will be in school tomorrow. Ha. Alrights, nights sexy.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT!
I LOVE SANJEEV KUMAR A MILLON! HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY MY ONE AND ONLY BLACKIE BFF! :D

Yand i'll whisper to you my love
1:10 AM